trip to Europe right up there. My trip around the mountain was awesome. My runs with all of the Americans that made their way to participate in one of the Mont Blanc events this year were a blast. An awesome trip to Courmayeur for great eats, nights out and more miles kept me busy the week before the race. The exciting plans to climb the mountain after the race... It was a great trip!
Who knows - I could be singing a totally different tune had I been able to complete the run around on 8/27, but as the story unfolded I wonder if for me to have that edge and energy for something as big as a 100 mile race that the lesson learned before San Diego (rest is best) is necessary. When the going gets tough, there has to be that something more, that something deeper that you can find to get you to the finish. I knew it wasn’t my day when I arrived in St. Gervais - Zoe said she could see it in my eyes. I wanted to resolve to finish no matter what. But I didn’t have the fight and to be honest that has been the hardest part to accept.
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4)I run these things with people. I gain energy every time I get to interact with my crew, with a pacer, with people on the trail. Thinking about friends and family at home brings me energy. I am a dork for hugs, smiles and hi-fives. Giving and receiving them while running (heck any time!) is what makes the hard parts bearable and the fun parts shared and enjoyable.
Coming in to Courmayeur I felt wrecked. My knees and shin ached something fierce, muscles had nothing and unfamiliar thoughts of dropping thoughts had started. I asked if we could hit the reset button and Zoe put a Monster Bandaid in my face and said ‘here is the first step’. As I sat there and ate, downed Ultragen and Marco’s pizza, changed my shoes, received awesome leg rubs, chatted with people, saw smiling & concerned faces that I haven’t seen in some cases years, I could feel my spirits rise and belief that I could go again build back inside. Hugs and hi-fives as I shuffled out added to the mix of emotions as did the confident look from Zoe as I moved up the stairs and back out on course. Gathering Topher from his nap and climbing up to the Bertone I started to believe it was possible again. I was moving well considering and had a good sense of what the course would be like from here to home. I was amazed at how nearly every person on the trail stepped aside and gave a Bravo! or other encouragement. I said thank you and smiled and felt pep come back into my step.
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5)There is adversity in these races. This time I had a lot more of my own than I am used to. Coupled with the changes thrown at us I hit my cap and couldn’t cope.
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6)Learning to roll with changes. That planner in me has got to learn that even the best laid plans have to flex. I got it in my head my crew would feed me that energy at each opportunity all the way till the end. I knew the climbs and descents that were ahead. I thought about walking, running or crawling into Chamonix, what ever it took I could get there.
The shuttles were late. I was on time (for the first time all day). I missed my crew in Arnuva by a mere 10 minutes. I looked around for them and called their names. I filled my pack with water and some of the snacks on the table and kept moving. I didn’t even think to chill for a sec or 10 minutes to see if they would arrive. This is where I played the what-if game Sunday night after the race - all the what-ifs that could have maybe changed my outcome - and now realize it is what is it is. The food I took didn’t give me any energy and my climbing went south quickly. I received a text on that climb, and thinking it was my crew I dug in my bag for my phone and found a note from the race that the course had been changed - my visualization went out the door along with my attitude. As I reached the top tears literally came to my eyes as I know that downhill, that long downhill into La Fouly and the beautiful grade that I normally love to run would now wreak havoc on my already tender knees and shin. I walked. I plodded. I got emotional. Dizzy. Foggy. Stumbly. (that’s a word, right?) Then I got, what I thought, was logical.
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7)When to say when. I do think I made the right decision to stop in La Fouly. I was in physical pain. My mind was foggy and I was alone. I wasn’t enjoying myself at all and with much unknown ahead I didn’t think it safe for my own well-being to carry on.
In playing the what-if game later I questioned whether I should have tried to rally one more time, could I have? I didn’t think so at the time. I questioned what if I’d dressed warmer at the start, if I had waited in Arnuva, if I walked and found a buddy to walk in with, what if, what if. But where I was, when I was, that was the decision I made and I am okay with it.
Dropping from this race, an event that I have been working towards all summer was not an easy thing to do. I felt miserable standing there waiting to have my arm band cut. I nearly puked and grasped to the only familiar face I knew, JP from The North Face, as I wobbled and finally sat to take in the scene. Ian was a gem and kept talking to me as the reality kept hitting me in waves sitting in that tent. I watched as runners came in and took their time refueling, changing and sitting alone or with their crews. I saw Hal’s humbled determination to carry on. I saw others drop.
The TNF guys gave me a ride to my crew who were waiting in Champex and seeing them I felt bad on pulling the plug without first getting to see them. It would have been hours before I could have made my way to Champex on foot and I wondered the damage I would have done to my already battered mind and body. They were great though. Greeted me with concerned hugs and next steps to get me recovering and feeling better. Warm clothes, food, cheering on other runners and eventually a ride back to Chamonix, shower, bed and a sleep that would impress the dead.
I woke up the next morning first wondering where I was, why my knees hurt and then hit the realization that I’d dropped from UTMB. Not a nice wake up, so I laid quiet trying to see how I felt about it, but honestly didn’t feel emotion either way. In checking race status for Roch and Hal I saw that we could still see them through so I dressed, ate and headed to the finish area with Jenny U and met up with a crew of other trailers to see them in. As we waited we heard stories from the night how Hal and Roch had met up and were making their way in. It was an impressive finish in many regards and those two earned the cheers and crowded streets that carried them the final distance to the finish. There, standing to the side, the emotion hit me. Those guys toughed it out. They found the edge to make it around. My gut told me then I can’t end on this note and I need to go back for another go around that mountain.
So many thoughtful wishes coming from all over both before and after the race. Thank you! Wonderful time spent with good friends in Chamonix and Courmayeur. There is nothing but good that came out of this trip overseas. Touring the Mont Blanc needing no more than what I could carry in my small red pack. Hanging out with fellow ambassador and laughing constantly. Connecting with the Patagonia folks in Cham. Cooking mellow meals with Scott, JU and crew. Long chats and catching up with JU. Taking in the beauty of the awe inspiring Alps on trails with running friends from all over. Funny laughs with other Americans marveling at the cultural differences. A tough, tough race. Climbing Mont Blanc! I am thankful for it all.
This has turned into another mega blog, helpful for my processing, hopefully something to reread before the next race. Also, in taking the time to share hopefully others can find bits to help them through preparing for their next race (learn from my mistakes) and/or facing their own DNF and finding lessons in what might first feel like failure. I said before I started the race, I don’t think I would do these if I knew what every outcome was going to be like. No matter the preparation any given day brings another adventure.
